One of the hardest parts of Straddle Parenting — and one I admit snuck up on me — has been helping my younger children understand, anticipate, and even celebrate the transitions that young adulthood has brought for their older siblings.
Unlike children who occupy the same or next-step-under seasons of growing up, kids who are in their elementary years aren’t fully clued in to the fact that their high school-age big brother is going to be driving. On his own, to places they aren’t invited. Or that their much-older sister is going to disappear for months at a time in pursuit of this thing they keep calling “college.” Never mind the fact that a beloved brother or sister might just get married … and only come back when a cross-country airfare is affordable.
Watching my 7 year-old sob through the days leading up to and immediately after our 18 year-old left for college was heart wrenching — for all of us. Even though we had mentioned that she was leaving, even though he had seen the preparations, even though he heard the plans … somehow, it didn’t fully sink in that she was well and truly going to a place where he could not curl up into her lap and bask in the love he took for granted.
Taking notes from that first, tearful separation, we were much more purposeful about her second absence. Even though it came up suddenly, with less prep time for emotional processing or even getting the practical stuff done, her little shadow took it much more in stride. Tears? Sure. But absolute, heaving heartbreak? Not this time.
Here’s what we are finding helps to prepare little hearts for the changes that having Bigs brings:
Give notice. As much as possible, let them know what and when. In our case, this meant including not just the announcement itself at our family meeting over breakfast, but also the details as they shaped up each and every day. Overkill? Turns out, no. This was a great chance to pray for small pieces to fit together as a family, but also to keep little ears in the loop. So often, we assume that they absorb info as it develops, but this is not a time to take that for granted.
Find real-life examples. Look to family and friends, past experiences, anything you can to draw parallels between what’s coming for your Big when sharing with your Littles. The idea of “college” or “leaving home” can be hard to grasp when your concept of school is based around the dining room table or packing bags usually results in a vacation that you all take — and return from— together.
Let them talk. The temptation to fill the air with your own thoughts is great, especially if the transition is one that has you looking at your Littles and being grateful that you have at least a few more years of parenting to look forward to. But Littles need to process at their own speed, ask questions, and share their hearts. Have a listening ear handy in the quiet moments, when they are most likely to pipe up with what has them wondering.
Put technology to work. If you can, get in the habit beforehand of using texts, videos, even Skype or FaceTime to send news of note and declarations of love from your Littles to your Bigs. That way, communicating via tech will feel like a natural extension of their relationship, not a stand-in.
Set an end date (if applicable). We found that printing up a special calendar and marking the days until our daughter’s return helped Littles understand the temporary nature of their separation. This point of reference was a life-saver, even on long days when a certain Momma was missing her girl.
What have you found to be helpful for your Littles in navigating the changing family dynamics of Straddle Parenting?